well, for lack of any pictures of the extremely fun costume party we had on friday, i guess i'll just write about what's going on in my day/week/career.
mostly i'm going insane. being a teacher is such an all-or-nothing thing. i don't know if i have what it takes.
all day long it's exhausting, saying the same things over and over, answering the same questions, telling the same people to stop talking while i'm talking, hearing the same attitudes from the same disrespectful little twerps.
i could chuck them all out the window right about now.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have a different job. lately i've been wondering it more than usual. i don't know if you've clicked on the link over there named 'renee's story' or not, but the whole 'to write love on her arms' movement has something going on in it that i wish i were a part of. sometimes i just long to be involved in something meaningful that actively makes a difference in people's lives. one of the quotes they use in their mission statement is from the book 'blue like jazz'. it says, 'something was broken in the world and we were supposed to hold our palms against the wound...'
part of what has kept me in teaching is because it does seem like a good place to be interacting with people in a positive way, but there's so much else going on that it's more of a sub-story -- the relational interaction, that is.
maybe i'm in the perfect place, i'm just not playing the part the way it could be played. maybe every single possible job is the perfect place, it all just depends on who you are in that place, and how you affect the world around you in that place, be it dishwasher, monk, or trashman.
that's what i've always thought anyways. but what if i am not, in fact, in the perfect place? what if all jobs are not equal opportunities to be light in this dark world, what if some are honestly more worthwhile? what if i'm wasting my time?!
hmph.
since i don't plan on quitting this year anyways, i figure there's something i could be improving on while i'm here. i've been taking the first half of my planning period to go around to other teachers' classes in the building to watch how they interact with the students and see if there's anything i can learn from them. the main thing i've gained so far is a greater empathy for the students. sitting on their side, i see all the little things that happen right before the teacher turns around and gripes at someone who wasn't really responsible for it to begin with... things like that.
you really can't be all things to all people, i know that. but i want to be all that i can possibly be to my students, and i feel like i'm failing miserably, that all teachers are failing miserably.
it's probably just the medieval talking, i'll be bouncing back to my normal peppy excitement for a new school day when this monstrous endeavor is over... but in the meantime, i'm reevaluating my career choice.
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5 comments:
Maybe the stretchy-girl superpower would help...
I only teach kids 2 hours a week at church, and I can send half of them to their parents if they get outta hand. All day & all week would be a huge amount of work, and yet any difference you can make really does matter, a lot more than most of our jobs. Who cares if a laser printer can access a web service on a remote server anyway?
Sandra and I try to "bloom where we're planted" but yeah, sometimes even at church I wonder if I couldn't be making more of a difference somewhere else. Or if I couldn't make more of a difference to the kids where I am. 2 hours a week plus whatever activities I can dream up is such a small amount.
I will say, though, that while a lot of what my teachers said to me went in one ear and out the other at the time, I appreciate each of them a lot more now. And with what influence you have you may keep one or two kids from becoming a Renee.
I empathize with the part about watching the other classes and the accidental injustices, too. I hate when a parent brings their kid to me and starts a he-said, she-said thing. I'm all the bus kids have there, so I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt more than some would. When I didn't see who punched who first, I just get them away from each other and move on, or stick them both in a corner. They might as well learn from someone who cares that life isn't fair. :-)
One that I still laugh about - parent comes to me and says "My daughter said [bobby] called her a bad name." I said I couldn't get him to apologize so I took him home and his mom said he had to sit out the picnic that day. The parent kept saying "She said he called her a -" and I kept cutting him off until he got mad and left. Later that day he came back and said "It finally dawned on me that if it was a 'bad name', you didn't want to hear it any more than my daughter did!" :-)
Get all the rest you can, it sounds like medieval is challenging stretchy-girl's elastic limit :-)
Okay, I don't think there is a "perfect place." You worked hard to become a teacher and you are just in the beginning stages maybe?
I completely understand how you feel. I've felt that very same way. There are people who spend their every breath proclaiming Jesus to the world, and I chose a profession (teaching) that forbids it??? That's a little extreme, I know, but I'm sure you understand.
Then, I look back on some of my teachers and the influence they had in my life. Wow - some I cannot even remember, while others I still email every so often. THAT's influence. Then, there are those "other" memories... When I can specifically rememeber a teacher losing her patience, becoming frustrating, punishing us, and humiliating students. I PRAY that those AREN'T the memories my students have of me.
It's tough to find a balance...especially when being the teacher you really want to be means giving up all outisde activities in your life...and completely giving your life to your job for nine months. It's exhausting and overwhelming...and does anyone even notice??
That's actually why I'm NOT teaching right now. I don't think it would be fair to my own children, or my potential students, for me to be teaching right now. I'd be pulled in two completely different directions. I know some women do it - and they do it well - I just don't think I'm one of them.
BUT - when I sit here in my little cube, as engineering assistant/librarian, staring at a computer screen all day long, monitoring fire alarm points (whatever that means!!), I miss teaching. When I'm here, I'm not influncing anyone. I'm not a witness to anyone. I'm not improving humanity or changing the world. I'm not being the one person that may very well care about that student. Here, I'm nobody. And when I think about that, I'd much rather be teaching.
So, sorry so long. But let me leave you with this... Colossians 3:23 has really helped put my job into perspective for me lately. “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.” (NIV) It may not be "ideal" but its where God wants me for now. And I'm okay with that.
Oh, and if you ever want a cute story to inspire your teaching, see if your library has this!
http://www.amazon.com/Miss-Daisy-Donald-Davis/dp/0874837170/sr=8-1/qid=1162497808/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-4450297-4640122?ie=UTF8&s=books
Well...happy to tell you, sweet Katie-Did, you have actually answered your own question(s)! If you were NOT meant to be a teacher you would definitely NOT have gone around to other classrooms for "staff development" time! The mark of a born teacher!
It took me 3 years to even get an idea of what I WANTED to be teaching. That's one of the cool things about teaching the "arts"...you don't have as much red-tape. Guidelines, yes, and performance standards, yes; but nobody tells you HOW to teach that standard! I LOVE that!
Anyway, after 3 years of trying to do it like the other Music teachers in the County, I was totally disappointed in teaching as a profession for me. I would go to the County Music inservices and come away totally depressed that I was not doing what others did or nearly as much as they did or nearly as competant, blah, blah, blah. Then a former principal said the 9 magic words to me...ready?
Every sucessful teacher teaches from their own individual strengths.
Sounds so simplistic. I had been so busy tying myself in knots trying to be like the other teachers that I forgot that I have great ideas too!
So, I sat down and asked..."what am I passionate about these children learning". I discovered that I am much more interested in students learning life skills and attitudes than in the subject I teach. If they could learn how better to face life and living through the medium of Music, hot-dog!
Now, after 13 years, I have teachers from all over who come watch what I do, email me, etc. My County coordinator just did a visit and was totally blown away. Do I feel proud of that? Not really. I feel thankful that God has shown me every step to take in making a difference in children's lives.
You see, the best teachers DO question their competence, commitment, direction, all of it! On a yearly basis, I sit down and ask myself, "what do I need to improve?" "what results didn't I like this year?" "What worked my nerves the most?" And then the next year I have a new challenge tackle. Which is good for me because I get bored very easily. One of my college professors taught me that the easiest way for a Music teacher (and probably applies to other teachers as well) to hit burn-out is to teach the same thing the same way year after year.
THEN once in a blue moon you get a cherry on top. You see a parent in the grocery store that tells you what a difference you made in their child's life or you hear that one of your "munchkins" decided to major in Music in college.
But you don't teach for those reasons. You teach because you want to be where God wants you to be WHEN He wants you to be there. And you continually pray that prayer and hold the job up to Him with an open palm. Now that's meaning to life for me!
Love ya, kiddo!
Aunt Robin
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