Holy Sonnet 14

by John Donne

Batter my heart, three-personed God, for You
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend,
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped* town, to another due,
Labor to admit You, but O, to no end,
Reason, Your viceroy* in me, me should defend,
But is captivated, and proves weak or untrue,
Yet dearly I love You, and would be loved fain*,
But am betrothed* unto Your enemy.
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to You, imprison me, for I,
Except You enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me.

*usurped: to take over or occupy without right.
*viceroy: a person ruling as representative of a sovereign.
*fain: gladly; willingly.
*betrothed: engaged to be married

i don't necessarily recommend the postsecret site -- every week there's at least one postcard that i have to scroll past really fast -- but this one is good.

i don't know the story behind it, but the principle is so relevant.
i hope i'm learning to like what i have.

deep heart love

do you ever have days where you feel like everything coming out of your mouth is just crap?
i'm having one of those talkers-remorse kind of days. this last weekend especially i feel like i've been less than edifying to every person i've talked to. i feel like my only motivation for interacting with people lately has been to get myself noticed. and even now, the only reason i don't like myself is because of how i feel like people might be perceiving me.
there is just nothing good that comes out of self-involved self-promotion.

this morning i was reading in 1 peter and there was a phrase that jumped out at me. i wrote it on my arm.

love one another deeply, from the heart.

doesn't that just say it all?
there are so many different ways to apply that to everyday normal living.
if i'm loving deeply from the heart, i'm loving from a renewed heart that is tender & sensitive to people. if i'm loving deeply, i'm looking into people's eyes and truly seeing them. i'm asking the holy spirit to help me know how to love them.

i need help. this kind of loving doesn't come naturally. i wish that my students could see christ in me, loving them deeply, with no hidden agendas or motivations.

snow day action

one of the best parts of being a teacher is the spontaneous snow day that comes along every so often. we had no snow but being the missouri that we are any sort of weather, any at all, is enough for us to pull out the old 'better safe than sorry' adage. i hear there were icy roads in many parts, but it was everywhere else other than around my house.
by no means am i complaining!

erica and i enjoyed a leisurely sleeping-in, then made brunch together.

i made home-made biscuits for the first time and she made gravy to accompany it, also for the first time.

we both felt like miracle workers -- there's something magical about the first time you succesfully make something homey to eat. it's like you've performed a wondrous act of creation.

it was the kind of morning that i've loved sharing with my dearest friend over the years.
we just won't think about the fact that there's only 5 short months left before she'll be heading back to china.

to distract us from that sad train of thought, let's talk about the other fun event of my snow day:
i got a new kitty!!!
before you groan and roll your eyes, just hear me out.

the kittens that were born in my yard last summer who i loved and cared for have recklessly abandoned me for other homes (or so i assume since they never come around...).
fantasia only shows up when she's hungry but she's fat as a lardball, so she doesn't really love me, she's just using me.

after all my affection has been poured out on cat after cat, i'm almost too hurt to love again. it's just so painful to be vulnerable to a kitty, to open up your heart only to have it thrown it back in your face.

this new kitty though, he needs me and will love me with an equal amount of love that i will pour upon him.
he was about to be killed by a heartless farmer but was rescued by a kindly neighbor lady who already has too many cats. for some reason he's completely clawless, which is unusual.
for whatever reason, he's completely defenseless against the elements and has to stay inside at all times at peril of losing his life!!
and he's so sweet and soft and cuddly. i find myself willing to risk my heart, just this once more.

to look at him, you'd think he's a rather angular, ugly sort of cat... those are the ones i tend to be drawn to the most. maybe it's the thought that no one else could love his ugly little kitty face, so i will.
and he passed the true test of good-kittyness. last night he slept by my feet and didn't wake me up even once. there's nothing more annoying than a playful cat at 2 a.m.

nick & i named him mohinder cash.

the one-year-of-dating date

january 17th marked the anniversary of nick & i's illustrious year of dating!
we figured a celebration was in order.
we planned on eating dinner at my house to start off, but then had several ideas about what we could do afterward. we put off deciding until after dinner.

when nick arrived, i was completely amazed at his handsomeness!! he got all gussied up for me and the pictures truly don't do him justice.
i came to realize that i'm dating a stud. i knew it before, but now i KNOW it. i made him model in a true gq-esque pose.

i cooked chile rellenos, rice & fruit -- a very tasty meal to jumpstart the date.

we then headed off to the landing to try to find a bookstore nick thought he'd seen down there, but the 13 degree weather put a damper on those plans. whilst looking for the store we dashed from shelter to outdoor-heater to shelter until landing safely back in the car.

the buzz word for the night was 'classy' so we thought for a while, trying to think of what to do with ourselves. as we sat there, we found ourselves sitting in the car facing the new convention center across from the landing -- what could be more classy?! so we went over for some exploring.

it was so nice!! the trofi bar & lounge was hosting some sort of prom (for middle-aged people? we couldn't figure it out) so being almost middle-aged ourselves, we meandered around looking like we belonged.

there were swanky details galore, including this art installation that covers the wall by the entrance to the hilton part of the center.

we rode the elevator up to the 12th floor and gazed down at the happenings outside.

nick humored me by letting me take about 800 escalator pictures...



then it was off to chili's for dessert. nick had the berry cobbler & i had the white chocolate molten cake -- my new favorite. it was unbelievable. i can't even explain it's deliciousness.


he was having fun, i promise.

after dessert, i had the idea that it'd be fun to reenact our target game from our very first date, in honor of what started off such a wonderful year. in case you don't remember, we split up for 15 minutes in target and chose gifts for each other that represented our personalities.
it was so fun! we were poorer back then though, so we put them back after picking them out. this year we decided to set a $10 limit and buy them for each other as anniversary presents.

nick chose this kid's book for me -- it's so sweet. he said it's to show my artistic nature with all the beautiful pictures that are also vaguely hippy. every page has elaborate things that happened on the day i was born.

for nick, i chose a compilation of things that added up to $10.
a wooden letter 'n' with brightly colored polka dots to represent his creative side; a little zippered pouch you can attach to your keychain but that contains a kite -- fun-on-the-go, you know; and a make-it-yourself endangered species finger puppet set to represent his love of nature, desire to preserve our environment, love of telling stories, and enjoyment of creating things.

i then dragged him off for one more idea of a photo op -- he wasn't as excited about pictures by now, but was still good-natured.
until, that is, i realized it had turned out blurry from being set on 'portrait' and wanted to take it again.
this one will forever be remembered as the 'last straw' picture.

despite reaching the photographic limit, it was a truly memorable date where we focused on remembering the good times we've had over the last year and enjoyed each other in this phase of the journey.

today the inspiration i was looking for took the form of a tree...

not a huge shift from flowers, but every little bit counts.

nick's gotten me into woodburning lately, and i have to say, i'm really enjoying it! it's pretty much like drawing, but with a really hot 'pencil'... i've accidentally burned off several new layers into my hair from forgetting how hot it is and waving it around thoughtlessly.
not huge chunks, no worries.



i usually go in phases with favorite media, so we'll see how long this one lasts. i'm sort of in a flower rut though. i need some new inspiration.

i'm it, again.

the game of tag would have been so much easier as a child if i'd known you could just say, 'you're it' and the person had to be it because you said so.
in the blogging world you're not allowed to run or anything, you're just 'it' if someone says, 'you're it'.
i'm not bitter or anything, merely observing the changing rules of adulthood. it's much more civilized, i suppose. not as much frenzy and exertion involved.

anyhow, on with the point.
the tagging i received from the infamous carissa has been stewing in the back of my brain for a while now.
percolating, if you will.
the main thing that kept it in the back of my brain was a mild sense of intimidation at even coming close to writing as comprehensive a list as she wrote!
i just don't know if i have it in me.
but then well, maybe i do.
i'll have to change up some of the categories though. the provided ones aren't jiving with my particular book experiences.

so tally ho, here you are, my book lists:

Deep Theological Books That Should Be Added To The Bible (if that were allowed...)
the normal christian life by watchman nee (formed my life more than any other book as i read it -- amazing truths made practical.)
mere christianity by c.s. lewis
real presence by leanne payne


Books I've Read More Than Once
a town like alice by nevil shute (like carissa, i don't read books more than once very often either, but this one i think i've read at least 8 times -- it's almost becoming a ritual. i revel in it.)
watership down by richard adams (classic rabbit personification)
the wedding dress by marian wells
the shepherd's castle by george macdonald


Books I Just Love
the good earth by pearl s. buck (so descriptive)
villette by charlotte bronte (love, love, love this book!!!)
the space trilogy -- out of the silent planet, perelandra & that hideous strength by c.s. lewis (could there be places like these out there?! i'm convinced.)
the count of monte cristo by alexandre dumas

Books I Remember From My Childhood With Fondness (fuzzy feelings all around)
the velveteen rabbit by margery williams
tales of the kingdom by david & karen mains
heidi by johanna spyri

Books That Made Me Cry
the book of the dun cow by walter wangerin, jr (after you get over the main character being a rooster, this book just grips your heart!

Books I Am Currently Reading
mansfield park by jane austen (can't get the movie out of my head as i read it and am still not sold on fanny being the main character -- compared to the page time the other characters get, she's left totally undeveloped! hmph. we'll see how it turns out.)

Favorite Authors That Make Me Want To Read Every Single Thing They've Ever Written
george macdonald (novels with the spiritual insight to knock your socks off)
maeve binchy (irish relational)
dick francis (best british equestrian suspense ever! you've got your stoic hero who can pretty much do anything but never admits it, you've got horses, you've got a mystery, what more could you ask for?)
francine rivers (intuitive)
isabel allende (latin culture with convoluted literary rabbit trails)
walter wangerin, jr. (amazing allegorical fables)

that was somehow cathartic.
i like lists. and now my brain feels organized. there's nothing quite like a fresh feeling of everything in it's place.

we had a two-day, pre-tornadic weather spell which nick and i enjoyed by going for a long walk. it was seriously 70 degrees!

here's my brown-redeeming picture. isn't there just something glorious about all the intertwining variety of the branches and the contrast against the sky?
i love it.

the timberlake walk is a local fave.
our timer shot using someone's mailbox was not that someone's fave. she started casting anxious peering glances our way. i suppose that if i had someone messing with my mailbox then running away i might look a bit askance as well. nick's level-headed reasoning helped me see this logic.


sometimes in the right light, even brown can be pretty.

brownsville

that sad time of year has arrived -- right after the euphoria and anticipation of christmas and right before the magical, flowery spring. the long haul has arrived. taking down christmas decor makes it even longer. i usually get so accustomed to the additions that i could just leave them up all year long...



it also includes the typical blustery weather that makes you want to turn into a bear, climb into a cave & go to sleep for 3 months.

this was our first snow from back in december, measly as it may seem. so far it's also the last...

now we're in that lovely phase of brown-ness that does absolutely nothing for the imagination.
i do love dusk when the bare branches are black against the cold sky. that's the one redeeming aspect about this time of year.

i've still got my fingers crossed for some good snow days. it seems like last year's best snows were in january...
(right? i think... i hope...)
nothing can beat a nice cozy unexpected day off.

in other news, i got to the bottom of the lava mystery. it was simple enough to deduce once i got to thinking about it. i just forgot to put in the pyrometric cone that usually melts when the proper temperature is achieved. it then activates the automatic shut-off switch by melting and forcing the shut-off pin down.
without it, the only thing that turned the kiln off was the melting, oozing clay seeping down the side and pushing the pin. by then it was long past the normal cut-off time and the sculptures were one mass group project.
i know you were dying to find out. i'm glad i'm able to ease your suspense.

and finally, i have a cold.
this cold has inspired me to come up with another one of my famous medical theories.

i don't know if anyone else has this problem, but when i'm really congested and can't breathe too well, sometimes i can still breathe through my nose, it's just rough going. but (here's the problem part) after breathing too much through a congested nose, sometimes the inside of my nostrils start to burn.
on the way to work this morning i hypothesized why that is. pure oxygen can burn (working in a hospital i learned this from patients who were on oxygen). so when your lungs aren't absorbing the oxygen you breathe in as well as normal, it just hovers around the nostril area, bouncing around and burning.

i don't know how medically sound this theory is, but i was happy with my powers of deduction.

attack of the molten lava!

i don't know what happened, but disaster has struck again!
you may think you've heard a similar story such as the one to follow in the not-too-distant past...
turns out lightning does strike twice.

we started school back up on wednesday, with all the adolescent children running amok as usual. the project my art 1 kids had been working on before break was an abstract clay sculpture assignment. they had finished making their sculptures, but i left them out over break to dry all the way through so they could be fired in the kiln.
yesterday i fired one kiln load during the day while i taught my classes, etc, keeping a loose eye on the kiln room which is actually a corner closet in my classroom. after the sculptures had cooled down, i unloaded them and reloaded the next batch of sculptures. by this time it was 4:30 or so, and i was ready to go home. as i always do with every load, i set the auto shut-off and made sure the vent was on. the kiln usually fires up to 1200 degrees for about 3 hours then shuts off.
here's a picture of the first load of lovely sculptures:

aren't they cute? so abstract. such good negative space. just waiting to be glazed and fired again to be converted into top-notch masterpieces.

for some unexplained reason, the second load that i set up before leaving must have had a malfunction with the auto shut-off. it fired throughout the evening and failed to turn off when it should have. it got so hot that it melted the sculptures into a puddle of rock-hard lava-like goo!

when i came in this morning the kiln was hotter than it should have been, but definitely turned off. then when i opened it, lo and behold, the destruction. i seriously don't understand what happened, because if the auto shut-off didn't do it's thing, then how did the kiln shut off? and if it just waited an extra long time to shut off, why would it have done that?!

i don't know that i'll ever get to the bottom of the mystery. i just should satisfy myself by only firing the kiln during the day when i can keep an eye on it.
if you think that's a no-brainer... well, i guess i'm just a slow learner.
despite being a little sad about their hard work melting, my kids took the news pretty well. mostly because now they won't be graded on this project but also because it ending up looking so cool. they all said i should hang it on a wall somewhere. if it didn't weigh about 65 pounds that might not be such a bad idea! i would never have guessed that regular, run-of-the-mill clay could turn into this if heated enough.

both of my efforts to burn down the school have failed. i guess i'll just have to accept the indestructible juju of blue eye high school and give up trying already.