i read some crazy stuff on a very opinionated homeless man's blog today -- here's an excerpt from his 'about me' section that i think pretty much says it all...
"Evil" is just 'Live' backwards, whereas "Love" is the beginning of 'Evolution'. This door that I have opened, no man may shut, and ANY who go before GOD as a child may enter..To get to the end of any circle you must first go the beginning and step out or rise above it...If you 'Cain' stop killing you'll never be 'Abel' to survive. (hint,hint) You know what it says..but do you know what it means. When the students are ready, the Master appears.
you may wonder why i have so much free time to be bringing you these fascinating tidbits lately... well, i'll tell you. i really have no lessons to be planning right now since my classes are making set designs for the play coming up in a couple of weeks. on top of that, i have detention duty this week... a whole hour of total silence while all the miscreants mend their ways with bowed heads.
maybe someday i'll get back to acting like a real teacher with real art projects and papers to grade...
for now i'm enjoying not. :-)
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
shane & shane in the fall
okay, so it's not fall, but yesterday was a definite fall-esque day and i loved it!! it was 65 degrees or so and there was just enough of a chill in the air to hint at the impending fall which we probably won't get for another month at least. missouri likes to tease you with a day or two of beautiful weather and then throw in another few weeks of summer, just when you're getting your hopes up.
last night some friends and i went to a shane & shane concert which was super great -- i loved it, as always. i'm not much of a concert-goer, but i've been to at least 10 of their concerts. they're on a bluegrass tour which is funny because they're not bluegrass at ALL, but they have the peasall sisters with them who played for a good long while and they were fun -- you'd probably recognize them from the 'oh brother where art thou' soundtrack. they're from tennessee and they sound like it! randall goodgame was also with them -- he writes most of the caedmon's call songs, but i actually like how he sings them better. he mostly plays other songs that he writes for himself and sings himself, but last night he threw in the one about ecuador that's on caedmon's 'share the well' album, and i enjoyed his version so much better than caedmon's!
probably just because it was new and different.
anyhow, all that to say, we had a good time. didn't get home til pretty late. i'm getting old so i have to start acting young, right?
last night some friends and i went to a shane & shane concert which was super great -- i loved it, as always. i'm not much of a concert-goer, but i've been to at least 10 of their concerts. they're on a bluegrass tour which is funny because they're not bluegrass at ALL, but they have the peasall sisters with them who played for a good long while and they were fun -- you'd probably recognize them from the 'oh brother where art thou' soundtrack. they're from tennessee and they sound like it! randall goodgame was also with them -- he writes most of the caedmon's call songs, but i actually like how he sings them better. he mostly plays other songs that he writes for himself and sings himself, but last night he threw in the one about ecuador that's on caedmon's 'share the well' album, and i enjoyed his version so much better than caedmon's!
probably just because it was new and different.
anyhow, all that to say, we had a good time. didn't get home til pretty late. i'm getting old so i have to start acting young, right?
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
free derek webb
on sept. 1st derek webb is giving his album 'mockingbird' away for free!
it's true. check it out yo.
it's true. check it out yo.
gallbladder... money... school...
well, the surgeon spoke the inevitable -- he wants to do surgery on the offensive internal organ... i'll be having ye olde gallbladder out on sept. 18th. it's a relief to think that hopefully the stomach problems will all be solved.
it's not a relief to think of all the medical bills that will start piling up. i have insurance, but the deductible's $1,000 and then i still have to pay 20% of whatever's left after that. 20% of any kind of surgery is going to be a hefty chunk for a poor teacher such as i am.
so the financial woes continue.
all the various and sundry bills i pay make me feel like i have steel cables linked to different parts of my body and they're anchored to a deep place in the middle of the earth.
one day i will be free-standing and light.
school's still going well. we're creating a set design for a 1920's play. the play will be performed on sept 15th, so right up until i have to have surgery we'll be working on stage stuff. i really hate working on stage stuff -- it isn't very satisfying to work and work for some cool looking decorations that get thrown away after the play is over. i know there are all the unquantifiable rewards like teamwork and a sense of accomplishment that the students experience in completing something cool... but you can't really measure those in any solid sort of way.
and then the doctor said i'd have to have a whole week off of work!!! i don't know about that. first of all, i'll have to come up with 5 days worth of lessons. not too hard. but wait, they have to be ones that a substitute teacher can constructively facilitate -- that's very tricky in the art world. secondly, i have to sit around and do nothing for that whole week! i might need to start stockpiling some good reading material.
speaking of reading material, i just starting getting a magazine called relevant, and it's really really good. if you haven't heard of it, seriously check it out. several of the articles in this issue i just read jumped out at me, but one in particular. it was about this guy starting a t-shirt campaign basically, but it's growing into so much more -- i don't want to paraphrase because he says it better, so go to the site and read the story. the site's called to write love on her arms. the one thing i'll quote that sums up his whole point is something he quotes from donald miller's book 'blue like jazz'. he says, 'something was broken in the world and we were supposed to hold our palms against the wound.'
my heart went out to his friend, renee, and my spirit was just drawn to join in somehow. i have no idea how, but this is real life, this is where jesus comes alive. this is what i want to be a part of, bringing life to dead places. with my high schoolers, i don't know how to get to the real parts of them, the parts that need hope. people say things all day long, i can say good things, these kids' youth pastors are saying things, they hear all they need to hear to solve all their problems, but words can be flat and ineffectual when you've heard it all. to live love and healing to a hurting world all day long, what does that really look like?!
i don't feel strong stirring passion very often, but this stirred me up. i want to make a difference. i want to hold my palm against the wound.
it's not a relief to think of all the medical bills that will start piling up. i have insurance, but the deductible's $1,000 and then i still have to pay 20% of whatever's left after that. 20% of any kind of surgery is going to be a hefty chunk for a poor teacher such as i am.
so the financial woes continue.
all the various and sundry bills i pay make me feel like i have steel cables linked to different parts of my body and they're anchored to a deep place in the middle of the earth.
one day i will be free-standing and light.
school's still going well. we're creating a set design for a 1920's play. the play will be performed on sept 15th, so right up until i have to have surgery we'll be working on stage stuff. i really hate working on stage stuff -- it isn't very satisfying to work and work for some cool looking decorations that get thrown away after the play is over. i know there are all the unquantifiable rewards like teamwork and a sense of accomplishment that the students experience in completing something cool... but you can't really measure those in any solid sort of way.
and then the doctor said i'd have to have a whole week off of work!!! i don't know about that. first of all, i'll have to come up with 5 days worth of lessons. not too hard. but wait, they have to be ones that a substitute teacher can constructively facilitate -- that's very tricky in the art world. secondly, i have to sit around and do nothing for that whole week! i might need to start stockpiling some good reading material.
speaking of reading material, i just starting getting a magazine called relevant, and it's really really good. if you haven't heard of it, seriously check it out. several of the articles in this issue i just read jumped out at me, but one in particular. it was about this guy starting a t-shirt campaign basically, but it's growing into so much more -- i don't want to paraphrase because he says it better, so go to the site and read the story. the site's called to write love on her arms. the one thing i'll quote that sums up his whole point is something he quotes from donald miller's book 'blue like jazz'. he says, 'something was broken in the world and we were supposed to hold our palms against the wound.'
my heart went out to his friend, renee, and my spirit was just drawn to join in somehow. i have no idea how, but this is real life, this is where jesus comes alive. this is what i want to be a part of, bringing life to dead places. with my high schoolers, i don't know how to get to the real parts of them, the parts that need hope. people say things all day long, i can say good things, these kids' youth pastors are saying things, they hear all they need to hear to solve all their problems, but words can be flat and ineffectual when you've heard it all. to live love and healing to a hurting world all day long, what does that really look like?!
i don't feel strong stirring passion very often, but this stirred me up. i want to make a difference. i want to hold my palm against the wound.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
the thieving continues
is this not the cutest picture you've ever seen?! i stole it from laura's blog.
beware!! your's might be next!!!
laura's my best friend from high school who is now going to bible school in wisconsin, land of the snow, and will soon be coming for the next phase of missionary training to this very state! we'll be a mere 2 1/2 hours away from each other!
i'm very jazzed about it.
check out her site (haley's haven) for humorous anecdotes and other adorable pictures of cute little girls.
Friday, August 18, 2006
mentos & coke
if you've got a minute to be entertained, go to jeff's blog and watch the mentos and coke video, it's so incredibly amazing!!
it beats the branson landing's $9 million water and fire fountain hands down.
it beats the branson landing's $9 million water and fire fountain hands down.
back to school
school's back in session and it's so crazy!! i feel like i'm in a school bubble and everything around me is fading into insignificance... i just can't quite handle the rest of the world right now. but it's so much fun! i love the kids part of it this year even more than ever -- having known a lot of them for 2 years now makes such a big difference in how we interact. i could care less about what i'm actually teaching -- i'm not an art fanatic diehard, i just like it and it's a great vehicle for being able to see each of the kids' personalites. i'm really just in it for the relationships. don't tell the msta...
so here's a picture of the school i teach at -- isn't it exciting?! my lack of a camera is forcing me to steal pictures off the school website! what have i become?!
you'll notice the big tall part that rises up in the back -- that's our new gym! it's glorious. it's also not quite finished. mostly what's exciting about it for me is the new stage that's in it -- i have a lot to do with stage design for the plays we do, and now we'll have a much cooler facility for that instead of just using the cafeteria commons area!
oh and about my actual birthday activities -- i spent the first 4 hours of the day in the emergency room! i had another gallbladder attack and it just wasn't going away. i went in around 11p.m. and didn't leave until 4a.m. but they gave me some good drugs... i was floating for 2 days straight in between the konked-out-sleeping (deeper than any sleep i've ever had before kind of sleeping) i can really see the attraction for all those druggies out there. but then the 3rd day afterwards, i had a definite junkie-esque day. i had muscle weakness, dizziness, and i couldn't stop crying for a little while until i got some food in me. the weird sensations just kept on for the rest of the day. it cancelled out the attraction to becoming a druggie. (were some of you worried?)
the long and the short of the story, i have quite a few gallstones and i have an appointment with a surgeon on aug. 25th to hear what he has to say as far as options are concerned. i'm really tired of having gallbladder attacks -- it's been going on for 4 years now -- but i'm really not wanting to have all the medical bills that come along with surgery. it seems like a surgeon is going to automatically suggest that surgery's the best bet, so maybe you could be praying that he would have wisdom in knowing what the best option for me is.
i'm too young to have my gallbladder out!!
i guess i just need to embrace the fact that i'm getting old.
people are doing it every day.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
un-birthday extravaganza
so my friend erica is pretty much the best friend a girl could ask for.
allow me to explain.
not only did she decide that this year she was going to do something special for my birthday, but she also decided it was going to be an all-day-long birthday extravaGANza, complete with surprised coordinated favorite things that i had to discover along the way... i can't even begin to say how special i felt ALL DAY LONG! possibly even more than i would've if it had been my actual birthday. she planned it for saturday the 5th and my birthday wasn't until the 8th, so it furthermore seemed like a random 'kate day' with no reason attached but her love for me, her friend :-)
let me describe the fun-ness.
the day started out with breakfast on the deck, prepared by erica and my other good friend allison. this is a favorite thing because it's been an established tradition to have a special breakfast for whoever's birthday it happens to be, and i do love traditions. after a leisurely bit of quality time, erica then brought me a gift bag with massage oil lotion in it, which took us to the next surprise activity....
...over in her little house she had created a spa room, complete with candles glowing, soft music
playing, and all appropriate accoutrements needed for a massage, manicure and pedicure. if that doesn't make a person feel special, i don't know what does!! my favorite thing here was the whole physical touch thing -- touching and being touched is such a big part of loving people, and they definitely communicated love! i was so relaxed i almost just went back to bed, but no, i had to go prepare for the next surprise activity...
...after getting dressed, erica took me on a little drive during which i had to keep my eyes
closed for the last part, and we ended up at my FAVorite of all activities -- the roller skating rink! two other friends joined us there and we had a blast skating around and grooving to classic skating songs ('i'm a barbie girl' being the prime example). after a couple hours of skating bliss we went back to the house, got cleaned up, and then set out on the last phase of the day....
...drea was the d.d. this time (that's designated driver for all you non-worldly people out there...) and i had to keep my eyes closed again -- for a VERY long time since she got lost every now and again... we finally got there (after many weird incidents in my brain after having my eyes closed for a long time -- i just might do an experiment on what it's like to be a blind person for a week... i'll keep you posted) finally, after much ado, i held on to her shoulders for a blind walk into a surprise birthday party all for me!
there were presents, balloons, hugs, and best of all, lots of friends.
my most favorite thing is people, of course :-)
erica had a scrapbook there that everyone was writing in called 'your favorite things about kate' to go along with the theme, and i truly love it. it's so encouraging to read what people love about you. i think i'll read it every night before i go to bed to lull myself to peaceful, affirmed sleep.
so there you have it, the best birthday celebration of my short, yet gradually lengthening life. and it wasn't even my birthday! i'll tell you about the actual day later. it had it's own measure of excitement, but less festive to be sure.
that erica, she's a good one, she is.
allow me to explain.
not only did she decide that this year she was going to do something special for my birthday, but she also decided it was going to be an all-day-long birthday extravaGANza, complete with surprised coordinated favorite things that i had to discover along the way... i can't even begin to say how special i felt ALL DAY LONG! possibly even more than i would've if it had been my actual birthday. she planned it for saturday the 5th and my birthday wasn't until the 8th, so it furthermore seemed like a random 'kate day' with no reason attached but her love for me, her friend :-)
let me describe the fun-ness.
the day started out with breakfast on the deck, prepared by erica and my other good friend allison. this is a favorite thing because it's been an established tradition to have a special breakfast for whoever's birthday it happens to be, and i do love traditions. after a leisurely bit of quality time, erica then brought me a gift bag with massage oil lotion in it, which took us to the next surprise activity....
...over in her little house she had created a spa room, complete with candles glowing, soft music
playing, and all appropriate accoutrements needed for a massage, manicure and pedicure. if that doesn't make a person feel special, i don't know what does!! my favorite thing here was the whole physical touch thing -- touching and being touched is such a big part of loving people, and they definitely communicated love! i was so relaxed i almost just went back to bed, but no, i had to go prepare for the next surprise activity......after getting dressed, erica took me on a little drive during which i had to keep my eyes
closed for the last part, and we ended up at my FAVorite of all activities -- the roller skating rink! two other friends joined us there and we had a blast skating around and grooving to classic skating songs ('i'm a barbie girl' being the prime example). after a couple hours of skating bliss we went back to the house, got cleaned up, and then set out on the last phase of the day.......drea was the d.d. this time (that's designated driver for all you non-worldly people out there...) and i had to keep my eyes closed again -- for a VERY long time since she got lost every now and again... we finally got there (after many weird incidents in my brain after having my eyes closed for a long time -- i just might do an experiment on what it's like to be a blind person for a week... i'll keep you posted) finally, after much ado, i held on to her shoulders for a blind walk into a surprise birthday party all for me!
there were presents, balloons, hugs, and best of all, lots of friends.
my most favorite thing is people, of course :-)erica had a scrapbook there that everyone was writing in called 'your favorite things about kate' to go along with the theme, and i truly love it. it's so encouraging to read what people love about you. i think i'll read it every night before i go to bed to lull myself to peaceful, affirmed sleep.
so there you have it, the best birthday celebration of my short, yet gradually lengthening life. and it wasn't even my birthday! i'll tell you about the actual day later. it had it's own measure of excitement, but less festive to be sure.
that erica, she's a good one, she is.
Monday, August 07, 2006
kansas city with the kiddies
4 days, 7 kids, and kansas city... one good ole time!
i live in branson, can you tell?
the trip sounded like a daunting venture -- i wasn't quite sure how it would all pan out, but except for a few dysfunctional-family moments here and there, it was a good trip.
angie ann (the mom) and i took the kids to union station one day where they have all sorts of fun science kind of activities like the dinosaur bone dig that christian's all geared up for here...
...and the magnetic bike thingy that's up way high (this is taylor the neighbor girl who came along on the trip -- i suppose when you have 6 kids, what's one more?!)...
...and of course they saw a REAL dinosaur and posed next to it...
...i don't even remember what all else there was, mostly because i spent the majority of the time with the two little ones in the block area or by the bubble-blowing fire hydrant. we did a lot of strolling around, but not a whole lot of interacting with all the cool experiments.
we also enjoyed the hotel's pool with great gusto, visited the Nelson Atkins Art Museum (i've been there 3 or 4 times, but it was fun to see a Henry Moore exhibit -- i enjoy his sculpture -- the exhibit was just of his mock-ups -- 8-12 inch tall versions of some of his sculptures which are usually about 20 times that size so some of the amazingness was missing, but it was still neat), ate at every restaurant imaginable and visited an anthropologie store, which just so happens to be my favorite store in the enTIRE world!!! i found a couple of cool things on the clearance table -- it's generally an exorbitantly over-priced sort of place, but i just love their style so much. their stores have full-time artists on staff that spend their time designing the theme and the window dressings and creating unique hanging sculptures and it was all so very cool. i wanted to move in...
we stayed right on the plaza and it was so beautiful! i found a fire escape going up a brick building that made me wish i still had a camera. some day i'm going to travel around big cities and photograph the fire escapes. there's something really fascinating about them.
in conclusion, andrew will be coming to live with me. we've decided he actually belongs to me and they do have 5 other kids, so it only makes sense...
:-)
that will be one of the sad things about school starting back up -- i won't miss all 6 of them collectively but i will definitely miss my little buddy andrew.
i live in branson, can you tell?
the trip sounded like a daunting venture -- i wasn't quite sure how it would all pan out, but except for a few dysfunctional-family moments here and there, it was a good trip.
angie ann (the mom) and i took the kids to union station one day where they have all sorts of fun science kind of activities like the dinosaur bone dig that christian's all geared up for here...
...and the magnetic bike thingy that's up way high (this is taylor the neighbor girl who came along on the trip -- i suppose when you have 6 kids, what's one more?!)...
...and of course they saw a REAL dinosaur and posed next to it...
...i don't even remember what all else there was, mostly because i spent the majority of the time with the two little ones in the block area or by the bubble-blowing fire hydrant. we did a lot of strolling around, but not a whole lot of interacting with all the cool experiments.
we also enjoyed the hotel's pool with great gusto, visited the Nelson Atkins Art Museum (i've been there 3 or 4 times, but it was fun to see a Henry Moore exhibit -- i enjoy his sculpture -- the exhibit was just of his mock-ups -- 8-12 inch tall versions of some of his sculptures which are usually about 20 times that size so some of the amazingness was missing, but it was still neat), ate at every restaurant imaginable and visited an anthropologie store, which just so happens to be my favorite store in the enTIRE world!!! i found a couple of cool things on the clearance table -- it's generally an exorbitantly over-priced sort of place, but i just love their style so much. their stores have full-time artists on staff that spend their time designing the theme and the window dressings and creating unique hanging sculptures and it was all so very cool. i wanted to move in...
we stayed right on the plaza and it was so beautiful! i found a fire escape going up a brick building that made me wish i still had a camera. some day i'm going to travel around big cities and photograph the fire escapes. there's something really fascinating about them.
in conclusion, andrew will be coming to live with me. we've decided he actually belongs to me and they do have 5 other kids, so it only makes sense...
:-)
that will be one of the sad things about school starting back up -- i won't miss all 6 of them collectively but i will definitely miss my little buddy andrew.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
resolution!
i can't even begin to stress how much i benefit from community -- i don't know if i'm just extra-hyper-sensitively geared that way or what, but the comments that the '3 wisemen' posted after my last entry combined with some really good friends in my life and my pastor who's more like a father-figure have all added up to reinforcing what i know god's been gently yet insistently leading me to do in regards to the kweku scenario. i think it'd be interesting to do a study on the connection between the passages in the bible about being strengthened by the holy spirit and the ones about living in community, because for me i am majorly strengthened through the spirit in my community.
i was in kansas city for 4 days (just 4 days!) and that was enough time for me to make a poor choice, just from being unplugged from consistent truth coming at me from the people in my life... it wasn't like i knifed someone's tires or skinny-dipped in the city fountain, but i did initiate calling kweku when i really knew i didn't need to.
i had a really good conversation with him a little bit ago though and it has me feeling secure in the good knowledge of doing what i know is right.
it's a good feeling.
better than any infatuation feelings, in the long run :-)
i mostly apologized to him for treating him in a way that wasn't honoring -- by going back and forth, i was pretty much stringing him along and that just isn't fair to him and pretty selfish of me. so i explained all of that thinking to him, and then i just reiterated that i really do feel like we're supposed to be just friends.
and i think this time it'll stick!
not only because i doubt he would be strung along anymore (there's only so much a guy can take) and also because i've noticed my heart gradually drawing away from wanting to be with him (which is saying a lot, because my heart REALLY wanted to be with him for a while there!) and drawing closer to wanting what god has for me. i know that's a work of the spirit in me. i have no power to change my wants and desires. all i can say is, 'i want to want you, god,' and that seems to be enough. it's like he's taken my little tiny seeds of desire for him and made them grow. who knows if i'll ever be with anyone as good as kweku seems to be -- i just might be a cat lady with cotton-hair and a cane, but that could be fun too.
today, anyway, i'm okay with what god's got going on in his little planner for my life.
so there's the conclusion of the latest drama in my life.
i don't regret any part of it though. there are so many areas that i've seen noticeable growth in myself through the experience of struggling through it all. it really is true that struggle and hard things are good things. it's not just a cliche. i used to just wish for the growth and not want to suffer through the emotional heartache or pain of life, but the older i get (just 2 days til i'm sophisticatedly old, as laura calls it!) the more i appreciate the process of growing just as much as the actual end result.
thank you so much jeff, harold and dave for your wisdom. you did some real good shining. any time you want to pitch in, feel completely free. i'm actually surprised that you read through the entire saga -- it seems like something only teenage girls might be able to read all the way through, but you guys did it! i'm very impressed. that means you must have sisters, wives or daughters. (or all of the above!)
coming soon: pictures from the all-day-long birthday extravaganza!!! yesterday my friend erica planned a whole day of surprise activities along the theme of 'kate's favorite things' and it was SO much fun!! it was made even more fun by the fact that it wasn't my actual birthday, so it was more like erica just decided to have a random 'kate day' and make it all about me!
i sure do love that erica. she knows how to treat a girl. she really has grown to be so dear to my heart. (and not just because of all-day-long events in my honor!)
also coming, pictures from kansas city with the 7 kids! they took pictures along the way so i'll steal a few. life without a camera is still bleak, but at least manageable.
i was in kansas city for 4 days (just 4 days!) and that was enough time for me to make a poor choice, just from being unplugged from consistent truth coming at me from the people in my life... it wasn't like i knifed someone's tires or skinny-dipped in the city fountain, but i did initiate calling kweku when i really knew i didn't need to.
i had a really good conversation with him a little bit ago though and it has me feeling secure in the good knowledge of doing what i know is right.
it's a good feeling.
better than any infatuation feelings, in the long run :-)
i mostly apologized to him for treating him in a way that wasn't honoring -- by going back and forth, i was pretty much stringing him along and that just isn't fair to him and pretty selfish of me. so i explained all of that thinking to him, and then i just reiterated that i really do feel like we're supposed to be just friends.
and i think this time it'll stick!
not only because i doubt he would be strung along anymore (there's only so much a guy can take) and also because i've noticed my heart gradually drawing away from wanting to be with him (which is saying a lot, because my heart REALLY wanted to be with him for a while there!) and drawing closer to wanting what god has for me. i know that's a work of the spirit in me. i have no power to change my wants and desires. all i can say is, 'i want to want you, god,' and that seems to be enough. it's like he's taken my little tiny seeds of desire for him and made them grow. who knows if i'll ever be with anyone as good as kweku seems to be -- i just might be a cat lady with cotton-hair and a cane, but that could be fun too.
today, anyway, i'm okay with what god's got going on in his little planner for my life.
so there's the conclusion of the latest drama in my life.
i don't regret any part of it though. there are so many areas that i've seen noticeable growth in myself through the experience of struggling through it all. it really is true that struggle and hard things are good things. it's not just a cliche. i used to just wish for the growth and not want to suffer through the emotional heartache or pain of life, but the older i get (just 2 days til i'm sophisticatedly old, as laura calls it!) the more i appreciate the process of growing just as much as the actual end result.
thank you so much jeff, harold and dave for your wisdom. you did some real good shining. any time you want to pitch in, feel completely free. i'm actually surprised that you read through the entire saga -- it seems like something only teenage girls might be able to read all the way through, but you guys did it! i'm very impressed. that means you must have sisters, wives or daughters. (or all of the above!)
coming soon: pictures from the all-day-long birthday extravaganza!!! yesterday my friend erica planned a whole day of surprise activities along the theme of 'kate's favorite things' and it was SO much fun!! it was made even more fun by the fact that it wasn't my actual birthday, so it was more like erica just decided to have a random 'kate day' and make it all about me!
i sure do love that erica. she knows how to treat a girl. she really has grown to be so dear to my heart. (and not just because of all-day-long events in my honor!)
also coming, pictures from kansas city with the 7 kids! they took pictures along the way so i'll steal a few. life without a camera is still bleak, but at least manageable.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
painful honesty
here's the second in the series of non-photo posts -- my fan base may diminish significantly from this abrupt change in style, but maybe it's the test of true loyalty?
we'll just have to wait and see.
speaking of waiting, that leads me to the topic of this particular post -- i'm really struggling right now with a relationship and am opting for the very unsatisfying solution of 'journaling' here instead of acting on my feelings.
some of you may have been wondering what happened to my potential shift in themes from random children to a guy i was seeing... well, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions that i just haven't been distanced from enough to write about as of yet. i'm hoping that writing about it now will grant me some much needed distance.
the main problem is, i really really like this guy. his name's kweku, he's from ghana, and he's amazing. i've allowed myself to develop strong feelings for him pretty quickly. through him asking me to decide whether i want to be his friend or his girlfriend, i've realized that i feel like i need to follow my intuition (i.e. what i think is the spirit's leading) which is telling me we're probably not a good fit, instead of my feelings which are telling me i just want to be with him... i'm also realizing how incredibly weak i am! i am so so weak. i feel a pull toward him at random times of the day that feels like an aching sort of missing that i've never felt before. what if my intuition is really just a strict sense of propriety that i've imposed on myself that has no foundation or basis except my own standard? how does one really know the leading of the spirit and distinguish it from the self's directing that's based on personal life lessons? for example what if i grow up my whole life believing that broccoli is radioactive simply because i once saw a broccoli field next to a nuclear power plant. does the strength of my belief make my assumption true? my beliefs are not based on truth, they're based on my own interpretation of circumstances, and i'm living out a ridiculous non-truth. how do i know i'm not making the same, yet a little less ridiculous-sounding mistake with kweku?
he's truly the greatest of guys in so many areas. the main thing that is tripping me up however, is how affectionate and physical he is -- he doesn't believe in having sex before marriage, but he's very open to all other modes of expressing affection up until then...
his great qualities are so truly great that i find myself wanting to chuck intuition/god/the spirit out the window (wouldn't it be funny if god's name were chuck?) and just fall completely for kweku. as much as i want to do that, i know i could never really do any chucking since such a big part of my spirit/soul/self is wrapped around the spirit/soul/self of jesus, so much that i don't know where i end and he begins or vice versa. this relationship with kweku has held a mirror up to my faith more than anything ever has. i've never felt more completely confident that what i believe is truly true and real and alive. i've always had a big doubting thomas section of the brain. you might call this a trial by fire and i'm finding out what's not melting away.
i see the realness of the leftover gold -- i know god's love for me is trustworthy and totally enough -- but my heart is still longing for this love that i've developed in so short a time. is a month really enough time to love someone? i don't know, but this is the strongest i've ever felt about anyone.
he's the best communicator i've ever communicated with.
he's the most lay-it-all-out-there sort of guy that shows who he is and what he wants with an ease that i've never seen before.
he does everything 100%. completely whole-hearted.
he's loyal and devoted and compassionate.
he wants nothing more in life than to have a family.
he's very extremely interested in me and told me on many occasions why -- that's enough to get any girl, no matter what the guy's like :-)
i don't know that this journaling thing is doing the distancing trick... i'm reminding myself of all the things i'm missing!
back to my intro sentence. it's all about waiting. i feel like god might be asking me to wait. i don't want to wait for something else that may or may not be better than i think this is. i want this.
i'm going to be 28 in 4 days. there are a lot of people in my life exerting miniscule pressure to get on with it already and settle for a husband (the bagpipe street performer is even looking pretty good to some :-) haha, just kidding mom) they're saying to just go on and get married and have me some babies and quit being so picky. all those individual miniscule pressures are adding up to this weight i feel that is mostly my own fault for carrying it instead of letting it roll on off.
but all the same, whoever or wherever the expectations are coming from, deep inside of me, i WANT to have a family. i nanny for this family with 6 kids and i almost started crying tonight at dinner as i watched the dad jab his son, christian, in the shoulder and berate him forcefully for not eating all his dessert that cost $7. this was basically the only interaction he'd had with his son all day and it was so damaging. why am i relegated to watching other people's families in all their obvious dysfunction when all i want to do is have my own family and get on with propogating my own brand of dysfunction? :-)
i would be such a good mom. i'm very sure of that. so many people have no idea what their purpose in life is. i feel the closest to fulfilling my purpose when i'm mothering, even when they're not my kids.
so i had told kweku that i thought i should follow my intuition instead of my feelings. he thinks that's smart since it seems like following your feelings is good and all, but if your intuition is taking you in a different direction then it would probably cause you to hold back in the relationship.
that was a few days ago, but i just talked to him tonight and i totally screwed up my resolve. i told him i missed him and i hated being this conflicted... my role in his life is to slowly drive him crazy with my yo-yo-ness.
he said i should think about it and decide what i really want, regardless of what i think other people think i should want.
so what do you think i should want, people?
:-)
not only am i driving him crazy, i think i'm also driving myself crazy.
you have probably given a silent little nod to that statement after reading this tome-like soul-baring journaling that's out there for the whole world to read. i think i want the whole world to read it though -- we were made to live in community, shining different parts of christ's character into each other's lives. i need some more parts shone in -- i'm feeling very dark, confused, and tired of trying to figure things out right now. i need some light.
please feel free to follow my lead. be as painfully honest as you can handle. it's actually kind of liberating.
we'll just have to wait and see.
speaking of waiting, that leads me to the topic of this particular post -- i'm really struggling right now with a relationship and am opting for the very unsatisfying solution of 'journaling' here instead of acting on my feelings.
some of you may have been wondering what happened to my potential shift in themes from random children to a guy i was seeing... well, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions that i just haven't been distanced from enough to write about as of yet. i'm hoping that writing about it now will grant me some much needed distance.
the main problem is, i really really like this guy. his name's kweku, he's from ghana, and he's amazing. i've allowed myself to develop strong feelings for him pretty quickly. through him asking me to decide whether i want to be his friend or his girlfriend, i've realized that i feel like i need to follow my intuition (i.e. what i think is the spirit's leading) which is telling me we're probably not a good fit, instead of my feelings which are telling me i just want to be with him... i'm also realizing how incredibly weak i am! i am so so weak. i feel a pull toward him at random times of the day that feels like an aching sort of missing that i've never felt before. what if my intuition is really just a strict sense of propriety that i've imposed on myself that has no foundation or basis except my own standard? how does one really know the leading of the spirit and distinguish it from the self's directing that's based on personal life lessons? for example what if i grow up my whole life believing that broccoli is radioactive simply because i once saw a broccoli field next to a nuclear power plant. does the strength of my belief make my assumption true? my beliefs are not based on truth, they're based on my own interpretation of circumstances, and i'm living out a ridiculous non-truth. how do i know i'm not making the same, yet a little less ridiculous-sounding mistake with kweku?
he's truly the greatest of guys in so many areas. the main thing that is tripping me up however, is how affectionate and physical he is -- he doesn't believe in having sex before marriage, but he's very open to all other modes of expressing affection up until then...
his great qualities are so truly great that i find myself wanting to chuck intuition/god/the spirit out the window (wouldn't it be funny if god's name were chuck?) and just fall completely for kweku. as much as i want to do that, i know i could never really do any chucking since such a big part of my spirit/soul/self is wrapped around the spirit/soul/self of jesus, so much that i don't know where i end and he begins or vice versa. this relationship with kweku has held a mirror up to my faith more than anything ever has. i've never felt more completely confident that what i believe is truly true and real and alive. i've always had a big doubting thomas section of the brain. you might call this a trial by fire and i'm finding out what's not melting away.
i see the realness of the leftover gold -- i know god's love for me is trustworthy and totally enough -- but my heart is still longing for this love that i've developed in so short a time. is a month really enough time to love someone? i don't know, but this is the strongest i've ever felt about anyone.
he's the best communicator i've ever communicated with.
he's the most lay-it-all-out-there sort of guy that shows who he is and what he wants with an ease that i've never seen before.
he does everything 100%. completely whole-hearted.
he's loyal and devoted and compassionate.
he wants nothing more in life than to have a family.
he's very extremely interested in me and told me on many occasions why -- that's enough to get any girl, no matter what the guy's like :-)
i don't know that this journaling thing is doing the distancing trick... i'm reminding myself of all the things i'm missing!
back to my intro sentence. it's all about waiting. i feel like god might be asking me to wait. i don't want to wait for something else that may or may not be better than i think this is. i want this.
i'm going to be 28 in 4 days. there are a lot of people in my life exerting miniscule pressure to get on with it already and settle for a husband (the bagpipe street performer is even looking pretty good to some :-) haha, just kidding mom) they're saying to just go on and get married and have me some babies and quit being so picky. all those individual miniscule pressures are adding up to this weight i feel that is mostly my own fault for carrying it instead of letting it roll on off.
but all the same, whoever or wherever the expectations are coming from, deep inside of me, i WANT to have a family. i nanny for this family with 6 kids and i almost started crying tonight at dinner as i watched the dad jab his son, christian, in the shoulder and berate him forcefully for not eating all his dessert that cost $7. this was basically the only interaction he'd had with his son all day and it was so damaging. why am i relegated to watching other people's families in all their obvious dysfunction when all i want to do is have my own family and get on with propogating my own brand of dysfunction? :-)
i would be such a good mom. i'm very sure of that. so many people have no idea what their purpose in life is. i feel the closest to fulfilling my purpose when i'm mothering, even when they're not my kids.
so i had told kweku that i thought i should follow my intuition instead of my feelings. he thinks that's smart since it seems like following your feelings is good and all, but if your intuition is taking you in a different direction then it would probably cause you to hold back in the relationship.
that was a few days ago, but i just talked to him tonight and i totally screwed up my resolve. i told him i missed him and i hated being this conflicted... my role in his life is to slowly drive him crazy with my yo-yo-ness.
he said i should think about it and decide what i really want, regardless of what i think other people think i should want.
so what do you think i should want, people?
:-)
not only am i driving him crazy, i think i'm also driving myself crazy.
you have probably given a silent little nod to that statement after reading this tome-like soul-baring journaling that's out there for the whole world to read. i think i want the whole world to read it though -- we were made to live in community, shining different parts of christ's character into each other's lives. i need some more parts shone in -- i'm feeling very dark, confused, and tired of trying to figure things out right now. i need some light.
please feel free to follow my lead. be as painfully honest as you can handle. it's actually kind of liberating.
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