resolution!

i can't even begin to stress how much i benefit from community -- i don't know if i'm just extra-hyper-sensitively geared that way or what, but the comments that the '3 wisemen' posted after my last entry combined with some really good friends in my life and my pastor who's more like a father-figure have all added up to reinforcing what i know god's been gently yet insistently leading me to do in regards to the kweku scenario. i think it'd be interesting to do a study on the connection between the passages in the bible about being strengthened by the holy spirit and the ones about living in community, because for me i am majorly strengthened through the spirit in my community.
i was in kansas city for 4 days (just 4 days!) and that was enough time for me to make a poor choice, just from being unplugged from consistent truth coming at me from the people in my life... it wasn't like i knifed someone's tires or skinny-dipped in the city fountain, but i did initiate calling kweku when i really knew i didn't need to.

i had a really good conversation with him a little bit ago though and it has me feeling secure in the good knowledge of doing what i know is right.
it's a good feeling.
better than any infatuation feelings, in the long run :-)
i mostly apologized to him for treating him in a way that wasn't honoring -- by going back and forth, i was pretty much stringing him along and that just isn't fair to him and pretty selfish of me. so i explained all of that thinking to him, and then i just reiterated that i really do feel like we're supposed to be just friends.
and i think this time it'll stick!
not only because i doubt he would be strung along anymore (there's only so much a guy can take) and also because i've noticed my heart gradually drawing away from wanting to be with him (which is saying a lot, because my heart REALLY wanted to be with him for a while there!) and drawing closer to wanting what god has for me. i know that's a work of the spirit in me. i have no power to change my wants and desires. all i can say is, 'i want to want you, god,' and that seems to be enough. it's like he's taken my little tiny seeds of desire for him and made them grow. who knows if i'll ever be with anyone as good as kweku seems to be -- i just might be a cat lady with cotton-hair and a cane, but that could be fun too.

today, anyway, i'm okay with what god's got going on in his little planner for my life.

so there's the conclusion of the latest drama in my life.

i don't regret any part of it though. there are so many areas that i've seen noticeable growth in myself through the experience of struggling through it all. it really is true that struggle and hard things are good things. it's not just a cliche. i used to just wish for the growth and not want to suffer through the emotional heartache or pain of life, but the older i get (just 2 days til i'm sophisticatedly old, as laura calls it!) the more i appreciate the process of growing just as much as the actual end result.

thank you so much jeff, harold and dave for your wisdom. you did some real good shining. any time you want to pitch in, feel completely free. i'm actually surprised that you read through the entire saga -- it seems like something only teenage girls might be able to read all the way through, but you guys did it! i'm very impressed. that means you must have sisters, wives or daughters. (or all of the above!)

coming soon: pictures from the all-day-long birthday extravaganza!!! yesterday my friend erica planned a whole day of surprise activities along the theme of 'kate's favorite things' and it was SO much fun!! it was made even more fun by the fact that it wasn't my actual birthday, so it was more like erica just decided to have a random 'kate day' and make it all about me!
i sure do love that erica. she knows how to treat a girl. she really has grown to be so dear to my heart. (and not just because of all-day-long events in my honor!)

also coming, pictures from kansas city with the 7 kids! they took pictures along the way so i'll steal a few. life without a camera is still bleak, but at least manageable.