here's the second in the series of non-photo posts -- my fan base may diminish significantly from this abrupt change in style, but maybe it's the test of true loyalty?
we'll just have to wait and see.
speaking of waiting, that leads me to the topic of this particular post -- i'm really struggling right now with a relationship and am opting for the very unsatisfying solution of 'journaling' here instead of acting on my feelings.
some of you may have been wondering what happened to my potential shift in themes from random children to a guy i was seeing... well, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions that i just haven't been distanced from enough to write about as of yet. i'm hoping that writing about it now will grant me some much needed distance.
the main problem is, i really really like this guy. his name's kweku, he's from ghana, and he's amazing. i've allowed myself to develop strong feelings for him pretty quickly. through him asking me to decide whether i want to be his friend or his girlfriend, i've realized that i feel like i need to follow my intuition (i.e. what i think is the spirit's leading) which is telling me we're probably not a good fit, instead of my feelings which are telling me i just want to be with him... i'm also realizing how incredibly weak i am! i am so so weak. i feel a pull toward him at random times of the day that feels like an aching sort of missing that i've never felt before. what if my intuition is really just a strict sense of propriety that i've imposed on myself that has no foundation or basis except my own standard? how does one really know the leading of the spirit and distinguish it from the self's directing that's based on personal life lessons? for example what if i grow up my whole life believing that broccoli is radioactive simply because i once saw a broccoli field next to a nuclear power plant. does the strength of my belief make my assumption true? my beliefs are not based on truth, they're based on my own interpretation of circumstances, and i'm living out a ridiculous non-truth. how do i know i'm not making the same, yet a little less ridiculous-sounding mistake with kweku?
he's truly the greatest of guys in so many areas. the main thing that is tripping me up however, is how affectionate and physical he is -- he doesn't believe in having sex before marriage, but he's very open to all other modes of expressing affection up until then...
his great qualities are so truly great that i find myself wanting to chuck intuition/god/the spirit out the window (wouldn't it be funny if god's name were chuck?) and just fall completely for kweku. as much as i want to do that, i know i could never really do any chucking since such a big part of my spirit/soul/self is wrapped around the spirit/soul/self of jesus, so much that i don't know where i end and he begins or vice versa. this relationship with kweku has held a mirror up to my faith more than anything ever has. i've never felt more completely confident that what i believe is truly true and real and alive. i've always had a big doubting thomas section of the brain. you might call this a trial by fire and i'm finding out what's not melting away.
i see the realness of the leftover gold -- i know god's love for me is trustworthy and totally enough -- but my heart is still longing for this love that i've developed in so short a time. is a month really enough time to love someone? i don't know, but this is the strongest i've ever felt about anyone.
he's the best communicator i've ever communicated with.
he's the most lay-it-all-out-there sort of guy that shows who he is and what he wants with an ease that i've never seen before.
he does everything 100%. completely whole-hearted.
he's loyal and devoted and compassionate.
he wants nothing more in life than to have a family.
he's very extremely interested in me and told me on many occasions why -- that's enough to get any girl, no matter what the guy's like :-)
i don't know that this journaling thing is doing the distancing trick... i'm reminding myself of all the things i'm missing!
back to my intro sentence. it's all about waiting. i feel like god might be asking me to wait. i don't want to wait for something else that may or may not be better than i think this is. i want this.
i'm going to be 28 in 4 days. there are a lot of people in my life exerting miniscule pressure to get on with it already and settle for a husband (the bagpipe street performer is even looking pretty good to some :-) haha, just kidding mom) they're saying to just go on and get married and have me some babies and quit being so picky. all those individual miniscule pressures are adding up to this weight i feel that is mostly my own fault for carrying it instead of letting it roll on off.
but all the same, whoever or wherever the expectations are coming from, deep inside of me, i WANT to have a family. i nanny for this family with 6 kids and i almost started crying tonight at dinner as i watched the dad jab his son, christian, in the shoulder and berate him forcefully for not eating all his dessert that cost $7. this was basically the only interaction he'd had with his son all day and it was so damaging. why am i relegated to watching other people's families in all their obvious dysfunction when all i want to do is have my own family and get on with propogating my own brand of dysfunction? :-)
i would be such a good mom. i'm very sure of that. so many people have no idea what their purpose in life is. i feel the closest to fulfilling my purpose when i'm mothering, even when they're not my kids.
so i had told kweku that i thought i should follow my intuition instead of my feelings. he thinks that's smart since it seems like following your feelings is good and all, but if your intuition is taking you in a different direction then it would probably cause you to hold back in the relationship.
that was a few days ago, but i just talked to him tonight and i totally screwed up my resolve. i told him i missed him and i hated being this conflicted... my role in his life is to slowly drive him crazy with my yo-yo-ness.
he said i should think about it and decide what i really want, regardless of what i think other people think i should want.
so what do you think i should want, people?
:-)
not only am i driving him crazy, i think i'm also driving myself crazy.
you have probably given a silent little nod to that statement after reading this tome-like soul-baring journaling that's out there for the whole world to read. i think i want the whole world to read it though -- we were made to live in community, shining different parts of christ's character into each other's lives. i need some more parts shone in -- i'm feeling very dark, confused, and tired of trying to figure things out right now. i need some light.
please feel free to follow my lead. be as painfully honest as you can handle. it's actually kind of liberating.
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6 comments:
Don't feel bad about making him wait until you know what you want. My wife tried desperately to get rid of me but resistance was futile! :-)
All I can say is the obvious - keep praying about it. If you're scared of being "swept away", play it safe and engineer dating situations where you double with a friend or have dinner at the friend's house, etc.
I can think of two people I can almost imagine having married. One was Catholic to my Baptist and she was the one who was mature enough at 19 to realize THAT wasn't going to be smooth sailing. The other was unsaved but wonderful in most every other way, but time and distance overcame that. And thank God it did and I have the wife God wanted me to have.
It doesn't sound like you're being picky, just careful. You know that God wants what's best for you and there's nothing wrong with waiting to be sure.
It might help to talk through some practical things with him, just to see if there are disconnects. Do you have the same goals? Do you both want kids? How many? Where would you send them to school, or does one of you lean toward homeschooling? Does one of you want to be a missionary in Mongolia and rarely see family? Does one of you have $28,000 in credit card debt? How much would something cost before you'd have to ask the other before buying it? What would it take to make you leave your current church? All stuff that a lot of people don't seem to talk about until it's too late.
Being 28 is a good thing, by the way. We change a LOT in our 20's. Many people change jobs, churches, likes and dislikes in those years and if they're already married that can put a crazy amount of stress on the marriage. It takes a few years of paying your own bills, figuring out how all that stuff in the toilet tank works, and being on both sides of various arguments before you really start to be the person you'll be the rest of your life. I'd love to see stats on divorce based on how old people were when they married.
Yes, I know, you're not trying to decide today whether to marry this guy, just whether to keep dating him, but all dates are potential mates and in the early part of a relationship we tend to idealize the other and we seem to avoid asking the meaty questions whose answers might change everything.
Wow, who knew the mower guy was so philosophical?
My wife and I are very different, but at the core we're still the same, and so it may be with your guy. As Jeff said, find that out.
Just from what you typed, you're obviously infatuated with him, and he has no faults in your eyes. Everyone has faults.
As for the waiting thing...I waiting 'til 27 to get married, and had I married earlier to the same woman, my life would've been miserable. I needed the maturation process of living on my own and seeing both sides of an argument.
Getting married because "It's time to get married" is the worst possible reason.
Don't know that I can add any advice more helpful than the sage comments already posted. Jeff's suggestion to ask those key questions as soon as possible - rather than after the marriage - is right on target. Of course, you need to be subtle, and work them in to other conversations. To find these things out you have to be socializing at some level, but as Jeff says it can be double-dates or by telephone. You also have to know somebody for a certain length of time before you really "know" them. Everybody seems nice when you're dating. I am the father of two young women and have told this to their skeptical ears many times. All boys are "nice" - at first. And it's easy to say what people want to hear ...
Msybe the most underrated thing to pay attention to is, what are other people saying about him? If everyone else - or even a few people - are telling you he's a sleazebag, you might want to be careful. My 19-year-old daughter is involved with a boy who everybody else says is scum, but she has a hard time seeing it (though lately she's making progress). "You guys just don't understand him," etc. If you find yourself saying things like that, you might want to give it a cooling-off period. I don't get that from your post - I'm just throwing it out in case.
BTW, I'm 47 and engaged. I kinda get that you don't want to wait that long, though. :)
Whatever you decide...I think you're great. Maybe the reason you feel so conflicted is because things are moving so fast for you. A month can be a very short and a very long time, all at the same time. And just think - if he's NOT the guy that God has waiting for you, then just imagine how GREAT the guy is that God's making you wait for!!!
If you ever need to talk, know you can call me any time! If not, then I'll sit eagerly by the mailbox waiting for my wedding invitation!! :)
hmmm...looking back at this blog...aren't you glad you didn't go through with the relationship???
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