anchored

last night i was doing some journaling, and it was one of those times when the lord speaks through his word right to my heart.

i brought my journal to work to share it.

i wrote:
i'm so tired, all around, but mostly tired of giving all of my energies to people and activities that i'm not as invested in as the ratio of amount of time spent warrants. i spend 7-10 hours a day pouring out to these punk kids who don't care a bit, and who i won't see again in a couple of years anyway. i want to devote my time and energy and caring into something lasting and solid, something i can count on. something i can trust to stick around.
i want to be building my life around something that is immoveable and dependable.
i want a home and a life around my home. i long for permanence, safety. i feel like i'm pouring my life down the drain, wasting myself.

father god, you are solid. you are dependable, trustworthy, permanent, safe. i want my life to not only be rooted in you but also to reflect your character by being a life of solidity. is it supposed to be enough to just be built around your safety? should i be okay with this wastefulness, this lack of firmness, as long as i'm centered on you? am i not supposed to count on people for the long haul and that's the point i'm supposed to be learning here?
if so, i have to say i'm not satisfied with that.
i want a home.

psalm 4
answer me when i call to you, o my righteous god. give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. how long, o men, will you turn my glory into shame?

my glory is my femininity, my nurturing heart and caring tendency. my longing for a family to love and breathe life into. i feel its frustration turns it into my shame.

how long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
know that the lord has set apart the godly for himself; the lord will hear when i call to him.
in your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. offer right sacrifices and trust in the lord.

my discontent turns into anger.
i offer you my desires, father. i trust that you know what is beneficial for me.

many are asking, 'who can show us any good?' let the light of your face shine upon us, o lord.

so many people want to point out the good points of being single, the freedom and carefree nature of not being tied down. the problem is, i want tied down. so much freedom in relationships makes me feel like i'll blow away. i don't feel anchored.
the light of your face, the goodness of you, father, anchor me.

you have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. i will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, o lord, make me dwell in safety.


and then i did lie down and sleep in peace and safety.

isn't that amazing that a random choice of the psalm for the day should be so perfect for my heart?

he is a good god.